Identity

Webster’s definition for “identity” says, “The condition of fact of being a certain person or thing and recognizable as such”.
It took me many years to realize who the real Susan was. Remember the old series on T.V. where they would say, “Will the real Susan stand up”? Now, I am sixty years old and I am thinking back at my life and wondering what takes us so long to figure it all out?
When I was 8 years old the last thing my mother said to me as she was dying was, “Susan be a good little girl”. It was not until recently that I realized how those six little words have formed my life. Note the importance of words. With those came acceptance from others that would care for me. As long as I was a happy good girl everything was going to be all right.
I grew into a woman believing that I needed to make everyone happy; and if they were not, it was because I was not good enough. I remember going to a Christian woman’s retreat in my late 20’s or early 30’s. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I could hear the speaker say, “Are you a God pleaser or a people-pleaser?” My life at that time seemed to be falling apart; my husband did not seem to be happy and always wanted more. Our son always seemed out of control and my daughter suffered with depression. What was going on? I tried to be the best I could be. Where was my Hallmark family? As a child I would laugh a lot and be silly and have fun. Now I was afraid my husband would not like me that way, and want to leave me.
I will never forget the evening I had some friends over for dinner. They had only been with the kids and me, and this was the first time they were meeting Rusty. Through the evening my friend’s husband kept asking me if something wrong. Even late into the night after we went to bed, he called and asked once again. I did not think something was wrong with me, until the following morning when he once again appeared on the porch. He said, I was someone totally different with my husband around. Could I have changed so much in those first ten years of marriage, just to try to make someone else happy. How can one recapture his or her own self after working so hard to please someone else?
Not having a mother as a role model, I decided to use the Proverbs 31 woman as my guide. I studied her and soon started to realize how independent and secure she seemed to be. Those were the two characteristics I needed to work on in myself. My faith started to grow, and I kept hearing the speaker say, “Are you a God pleaser or a People pleaser”.
I had grown up being a people pleaser, and now I needed to find a balance in my life.
I stopped volunteering for everything to make people like me. If I did not receive joy from doing it I stopped. The word says, it will please God if I serve with joy, if not I will be doing it for the wrong reason. So, no more hot-dog lady at the school five years in a row.
My own Identity really blossomed after my twenty-fifth anniversary. My husband announced that he wanted a divorce and that he was not happy. I had feared those words for so long. I had been with him since I was 15, and now I was 44 living on my own for the first time in my life. Our children were grown, and on their own, and now I was too. It was difficult; but my faith was strong, and I knew God had a plan for my life.
After the first few months I started realizing how positive, happy and relieved I seemed to be. I had given up all hope that the marriage could ever be saved. I was no longer worried about making someone else happy, and finally woke up to the fact that we are only responsible for making our own happiness. WOW, what a discovery!!!
It was then THE REAL SUSAN COULD STAND UP! She was back after all those years, and she even liked who she was, and others did too. Remember, that husband? He even liked the new Susan and wanted to work on the very broken marriage. It took months of counseling and a lot of renewing of trust, but GOD DID IT..
It is constant work to keep our own identity. So far all is well, but I need to keep reminding myself in each new stage.
Recently, we have moved to a family ranch where all ten of us live together in separate houses. I am proud to say our son and his wife pastor a church here in our town. Awhile back I started becoming aware of some haunting feelings. I did not know what they were until I went back to visit our friends in our old neighborhood. When I lived there before, I was a total individual with my own work and identity. Now, on our ranch we all have the same interests and friends; and my children are my spiritual leaders and pastor. I find I try to be myself, but recently I get worried that I will embarrass, or dissatisfy them. I want them to be happy just as I tried to make my husband happy.
OH MY GOSH, I can’t let this happen again. You see how easy it can be to slip back into your old way of life. I have worked very hard to be the woman God has formed me to be, and He is the only one I want to PLEASE.
Do words like “Be a good little girl” haunt you? Have they become curses that constantly conjure up that your worth is determined by what you DO instead of WHO YOU ARE?
Does this make you be a people-pleaser rather than a God-pleaser? You are the only one that knows.