Identity

Webster’s definition for “identity” says, “The condition of fact of being a certain person or thing and recognizable as such”.
It took me many years to realize who the real Susan was. Remember the old series on T.V. where they would say, “Will the real Susan stand up”? Now, I am sixty years old and I am thinking back at my life and wondering what takes us so long to figure it all out?
When I was 8 years old the last thing my mother said to me as she was dying was, “Susan be a good little girl”. It was not until recently that I realized how those six little words have formed my life. Note the importance of words. With those came acceptance from others that would care for me. As long as I was a happy good girl everything was going to be all right.
I grew into a woman believing that I needed to make everyone happy; and if they were not, it was because I was not good enough. I remember going to a Christian woman’s retreat in my late 20’s or early 30’s. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I could hear the speaker say, “Are you a God pleaser or a people-pleaser?” My life at that time seemed to be falling apart; my husband did not seem to be happy and always wanted more. Our son always seemed out of control and my daughter suffered with depression. What was going on? I tried to be the best I could be. Where was my Hallmark family? As a child I would laugh a lot and be silly and have fun. Now I was afraid my husband would not like me that way, and want to leave me.
I will never forget the evening I had some friends over for dinner. They had only been with the kids and me, and this was the first time they were meeting Rusty. Through the evening my friend’s husband kept asking me if something wrong. Even late into the night after we went to bed, he called and asked once again. I did not think something was wrong with me, until the following morning when he once again appeared on the porch. He said, I was someone totally different with my husband around. Could I have changed so much in those first ten years of marriage, just to try to make someone else happy. How can one recapture his or her own self after working so hard to please someone else?
Not having a mother as a role model, I decided to use the Proverbs 31 woman as my guide. I studied her and soon started to realize how independent and secure she seemed to be. Those were the two characteristics I needed to work on in myself. My faith started to grow, and I kept hearing the speaker say, “Are you a God pleaser or a People pleaser”.
I had grown up being a people pleaser, and now I needed to find a balance in my life.
I stopped volunteering for everything to make people like me. If I did not receive joy from doing it I stopped. The word says, it will please God if I serve with joy, if not I will be doing it for the wrong reason. So, no more hot-dog lady at the school five years in a row.
My own Identity really blossomed after my twenty-fifth anniversary. My husband announced that he wanted a divorce and that he was not happy. I had feared those words for so long. I had been with him since I was 15, and now I was 44 living on my own for the first time in my life. Our children were grown, and on their own, and now I was too. It was difficult; but my faith was strong, and I knew God had a plan for my life.
After the first few months I started realizing how positive, happy and relieved I seemed to be. I had given up all hope that the marriage could ever be saved. I was no longer worried about making someone else happy, and finally woke up to the fact that we are only responsible for making our own happiness. WOW, what a discovery!!!
It was then THE REAL SUSAN COULD STAND UP! She was back after all those years, and she even liked who she was, and others did too. Remember, that husband? He even liked the new Susan and wanted to work on the very broken marriage. It took months of counseling and a lot of renewing of trust, but GOD DID IT..
It is constant work to keep our own identity. So far all is well, but I need to keep reminding myself in each new stage.
Recently, we have moved to a family ranch where all ten of us live together in separate houses. I am proud to say our son and his wife pastor a church here in our town. Awhile back I started becoming aware of some haunting feelings. I did not know what they were until I went back to visit our friends in our old neighborhood. When I lived there before, I was a total individual with my own work and identity. Now, on our ranch we all have the same interests and friends; and my children are my spiritual leaders and pastor. I find I try to be myself, but recently I get worried that I will embarrass, or dissatisfy them. I want them to be happy just as I tried to make my husband happy.
OH MY GOSH, I can’t let this happen again. You see how easy it can be to slip back into your old way of life. I have worked very hard to be the woman God has formed me to be, and He is the only one I want to PLEASE.
Do words like “Be a good little girl” haunt you? Have they become curses that constantly conjure up that your worth is determined by what you DO instead of WHO YOU ARE?
Does this make you be a people-pleaser rather than a God-pleaser? You are the only one that knows.

Here we Go

I have learned so much in my lifes journey that I want to share it with all of you through short stories I have written. Every few days I will add another. I pray they will be encouraging to you.

Desires of Your Heart
We trust as we love, and where we love. If we love Christ much, truly we shall trust Him much.
Thomas Brooks

It was late at night in front of my house. The floodlights were on, and worship music was playing. I sat in the dirt beside four flats of flowers waiting to be planted. My tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought back over the past twenty-five years. I had married this man when I was eighteen years old and now he wanted a divorce. He had just moved his belongings out that day, and I was determined to make myself happy by planting my flowers. When I was a child, my aunt had always told me that if you have lots of flowers outside your home it meant you had a happy home. For the first time in my forty-four years I was totally alone. The children were grown and on there own, and now I was, too.
In my early twenties, I realized I needed to be dependent on the Lord instead of my husband. Through the following years of his workaholism and unfaithfulness, I had struggled to make this wonderful provider happy. I doubled my efforts in being the best I could be, and prayed daily for God’s guidance and wisdom for our family. I knew the only one I could change was myself, and I prayed daily for my husband to have God’s salvation. In Psalms 37:4 it says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” My desires were to have a family and a husband that loved and adored me. It did not seem to be working out that way, but I hung onto that promise.
Times looked bleak as my husband and I, by the grace of God, managed to get through some very difficult years. We lived through our son’s battles with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and drug addiction, our daughter’s depression and our own inner battles with each other.
Now, I was sitting in the dirt crying as I remembered back. I knew I would be all right by myself because I was not really alone. I had built a relationship with God and he did love me.
It was a difficult time, but as I started looking forward to what God had planned for me, it became very exciting and a relief-to have only myself to consider. I still prayed for my husband each day, but soon realized he had to find his own way. The divorce was in place and the time clock was ticking. I joined a Christian singles group and attended a divorce recovery workshop. I had gone on with my life and had just signed up for college when I got the call.
It was my husband. He was on his way over to tell me something. There he stood on the front porch with tears in his eyes, announcing his acceptance of the Lord. He no longer wanted a divorce and wanted to work on our marriage. It had been six months since he had left, and to be truthful, I was in doubt whether I even wanted to be married. Life was good, fun and exciting, and I was more content than I ever remembered being. Did I want to go back to the distrust and deception I had endured for so many years?
My answer to him was, “I need time.” I separated myself from the activities I was involved with and took time to be alone and pray. The psalm had said the Lord would give me the desires of my heart. I had prayed for my husband for twenty-five years to come to know the Lord and now he said he had. I did not trust my husband, but I did trust God. If I chose not to work to save this marriage, I would be doubting God’s power and grace.
My husband and I set up personal boundaries and had a lot of Christian counseling. We continued to live alone. As the months went by, God did the work of mending a very broken relationship. As I learned to know my husband and trust him, we fell in love, and Christ became the center of our marriage. We renewed our wedding vows in our church on our twenty-sixth wedding anniversary, with many friends and family in attendance. It was the happiest day of my life. Our beautiful daughter sang, “Let’s Begin Again”; our drug-free son walked me down the aisle to meet a completely transformed man. All of my childhood dreams had come true, and I did receive the desires of my heart.
Biography: Susan Lugli is a Christian Speaker and Author. In 1998 she wrote “Out of the Fire,” published in Today’s Christian Woman’s magazine. That same year she was profiled in the Woman of Faith New Testament Bible. 2002 “Desires of Your Heart” was published in Chicken Soup for the Christian Woman’s Soul.” She is an active member in the American Burn Association, and the Phoenix Society for burn survivors. Susan and Rusty Lugli live on a ranch with their family in Lompoc, CA.

New & Exciting

This is a new and exciting day for me. Please keep me in prayer as I begin my journey as a blogger.